THIS VERY STERN LEGAL NOTICE IS ADDRESSED TO XOAQUIN FLORES & TIM KIRBY, THE CURATORS OF THE TELEGRAM CHANNELS “NEW RESISTANCE” AND “TIM KIRBY RUSSIA HARDCORE”, RESPECTIVELY. IT CONTAINS HIGHLY SENSITIVE LEGAL INFORMATION.
UNLESS YOU ARE XOAQUIN FLORES OR TIM KIRBY, I FORBID YOU FROM READING FURTHER, EVEN IF I JUST EMAILED THIS LEGAL COMPLAINT TO YOU, AND EVEN THOUGH I POSTED IT ON MY TELEGRAM CHANNEL FOR EVERYONE TO SEE AND SHARE WIDELY. AGAIN, THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS, PRIVATE LEGAL MATTER THAT DOES NOT CONCERN YOU IN THE SLIGHTEST.
DON’T FORGET TO SHARE THIS LEGAL THREAT, WHICH YOU ARE PROHIBITED FROM READING, WITH ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS AND ENEMIES ON SOCIAL MEDIA. THANK YOU AND HAVE A VERY NICE DAY. — RILEY
To MR. XOAQUIN FLORES and MR. TIM KIRBY,
Gentlemen,
First, the traditional Georgian formalities: Gamarjoba.
My name is Giorgi Moneybags XIV. I am a senior partner at the prestigious law firm Moneybags & Associates, the most respected and feared law practice in my country. We specialize in maritime law. Probably you have heard of us.
I am writing on behalf of my client, a certain Mr. Edward Slavsquat. Strange fellow, but he’s paying me an enormous amount of lari.
My client is of the opinion that you two fine gentlemen have made false and defamatory statements against him for no reason whatsoever, using the most twisted, Olympic-level mental gymnastics—actually, no mental activity can be detected in these comments you have collectively vomited at him.
To make matters worse, Mr. Flores—and by extension Mr. Kirby, who gleefully “reposted” Flores’ remarks—were too cowardly to identify my client by name. In maritime law we call this a “double-whammy”.
I’ve been informed that the above word salad is a follow-up to a Telegram message posted by Mr. Flores, which was directed at my client’s blog-friend, Mr. Rolo Slavskiy. It’s not difficult to put two and two together—there is no ambiguity here, gentlemen.
Moneybags & Associates has prepared a line-by-line response to your Telegram post. I will also explain the legal proceedings my client intends to initiate against you both.
Before we begin, Mr. Slavsquat has instructed me to point out that Mr. Kirby’s Telegram channel has approximately 10.6k followers, and Mr. Flores’ channel boasts an impressive 25.6k—a combined total of more than 36,000 followers.
My client has a pathetic 3.2k followers on Telegram.
In maritime law we call this “punching down”—a behavior typically associated with individuals who are hurting deeply inside, or are bored beyond belief. Sometimes both, actually.
But that’s neither here nor there. Mr. Slavsquat has requested that I launch into the legal complaint with due haste. So let’s begin:
This psyop was excellent for drawing out the rats in the so-called ‘Russian alternative media sphere’ in English language for sure.
The preferred nomenclature is “9th columnist”.
More importantly, unlike the rest of the “so-called Russian alternative media sphere”, Mr. Slavsquat’s positions on Yevgeny Prigozhin, Wagner, Sergey Shoigu, the Russian Ministry of Defense, Vladimir Putin, the Special Military Operation, and the upside-down garbage world that we all inhabit, did not budge an inch during the mass confusion and incessant narrative flip-flopping on June 24.
On June 24, My client’s views on all the above individuals and prole-culling institutions and schemes could best be summarized as: “I don’t trust him/her/this/iz/zer.”
Post-June 24, my client’s views on all the above could best be summarized as: “Wow, that was weird. But for those who were paying attention it was not unexpected. I have some ideas about what we just witnessed, but I am open to hearing alternative theories. I still don’t trust him/her/this/iz/zer.”
How is this “drawing out the rats”, Mr. Flores and Mr. Kirby? What incriminating information about my client has been revealed over the past four days? That he isn’t a callous ideologue? I am Tbilisi’s highest-paid maritime attorney, and I can confirm that according to the Geneva Conventions, being inquisitive and open-minded is not a felony, although the relevant authorities are working on closing this annoying loophole.
If Mr. Flores and Mr. Kirby are rat-hunting—which is a very enjoyable summertime activity—they should release their hounds on the Very Serious Pundits who changed their Very Serious Narrative every 15 minutes on June 24. This is what Mr. Slavsquat wrote to me in a Telegram message yesterday. In response, I sent him an invoice for 578 lari.
Moving on.
The levels of schadenfreude derived from Russia’s apparent misfortune were notably turned to 11 from these two, confirming the main idea: that Putin and Shoigu were fleecing Russia and selling it out all along, the economic growth indices were all lies and the whole population was teetering on 1917.
What schadenfreude is Mr. Flores and Mr. Kirby referring to? My client expressed relief that further bloodshed (for now) had been avoided. And why would my client be happy about internal chaos inside Russia, when his own son is currently living two dozen kilometers from Moscow?
It’s true my client tries to be lighthearted about these very serious and scary issues—but he believes many of his readers appreciate this approach to Russia-related news coverage, since the news cycle is often very depressing and gross. Anyway, there are many sources for people to consult, and my client has always encouraged people to read widely and decide for themselves what they think is going on in Russia. He’s just a guy with a blog and a high-powered Georgian maritime attorney, and obviously there are many other perspectives on the internet worth careful consideration.
As for Shoigu’s mishandling of the SMO, as well as systemic corruption in the Ministry of Defense, this has been well-documented by pro-military hardliners inside Russia. So it would be more accurate to write on your Telegram channels: “boo-hoo, I am upset that Mr. Slavsquat is sharing inconvenient realities that are expressed by qualified Russians inside Russia, who have a lot to lose if things go belly-up, and have no reason to exaggerate or lie about the current situation in the Russian military.”
My client has nuanced views about Putin, which is unacceptable to much of the incredulous “alternative media”. He contends Putin has been the leader of the Russian Federation for a very long time, and therefore shares a certain amount of responsibility for many of the very serious problems now facing the country. Putin’s not solely to blame, of course. But if Putin can be viewed as Russia’s lead manager, let’s just say there are many parts of Russia’s governmental machinery that could be managed in a more efficient and less awful way. Obviously this is a scandalous and outrageous suggestion, but my client is a very hardheaded and unreasonable individual.
Putin warned on June 24 that Russia was facing a 1917 scenario, so I am not sure what Mr. Flores is complaining about. He clearly likes to complain. If he wants, we can set up a Zoom call and he can complain to me all day, provided he has the necessary lari.
Let’s continue.
There is zero difference between this and the entire BBC/CNN/NYT narrative.
My client can confirm: Many people who visit his blog confuse it for the New York Times.
In fact, the most common comment he receives from readers is: “Hey, I thought this was that Edward blog, but it looks like I’m at the New York Times? I guess it doesn’t matter. They are literally the same.”
Anyone familiar with my client’s blog—which renounces prole vs. prole cage matches for the benefit of the global oligarchy, detests clot-shots, cattle-tags and the entire space lizard agenda, raves about magic chacha and beans, and advocates for 18th century fugues—could attest to how easy it would be to mix up Edward Slavsquat with the New York Times.
Next.
These two rats you know pretty well, who were effectively kicked out of Russia for these kinds of antics.
My client was not “effectively kicked out of Russia”. He is currently marooned in Tbilisi because his Russian visa expired, and a fatal mix of stubbornness and laziness prevented him from remedying this problem in a timely manner.
If everything goes according to plan (the famous last words), Mr. Slavsquat expects to return to Moscow at the end of August. My client has been very open on this subject, even though it is a private matter.
My client would like to know why Mr. Flores and Mr. Kirby are spreading completely retarded lies about him?
While they ponder this question, let’s move on.
We saw exactly where these people really were, once again I would say, but we saw what kinds of ‘victory laps’ they were bragging about taking (yes, taking victory laps then bragging about the laps).
Mr. Slavsquat is often guilty of egregious grammatical errors, typos, and awkward phrasing, but he strongly believes the above “sentence” is not English.
With the help of a U-boat Enigma machine cipher I bought at the local flea market, I have concluded Mr. Flores is unhappy that my client, as well as Mr. Slavskiy, warned that something could happen, and then when it did happen, they had the audacity to point out that what they warned about, happened.
My client asserts he wrote about longstanding tensions between Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoigu, and Wagner PMC CEO Yevgeny Prigozhin, because that’s his job as someone who writes about Russia. It’s true some pundits dismissed Prigozhin’s past outbursts as benign and “stress-related”, but my client, citing trustworthy sources inside Russia, disagreed with this assessment.
That my client highlighted this internal feud long before the troubling events of June 24 suggests he is a very handsome and astute observer. It does not necessarily mean he is a bad person, although my client concedes he is a bad person, but for entirely unrelated reasons.
Mr. Slavsquat contends it is not against the law to use the best available evidence to draw rational conclusions, even if these conclusions are inconvenient to the brightest Telegram intellects of our time. I am an attorney with over 20 years of experience in maritime law, so I can confirm that critical thinking, while strongly discouraged, is still technically legal.
Basically, the problem here seems to be that Mr. Flores and Mr. Kirby are deeply offended that some people are sharing perspectives and insights about Russia that differ from their own views, which are quite narrow in scope.
My client observed in an email to me that Mr. Flores and Mr. Kirby do not cover any of the topics that are being widely discussed by patriotic Russians inside Russia. These topics include but are not limited to: The rise of biosecurity in Russia (Sputnik V, Sanitary Shield, Moscow’s relationship with the WHO, etc.), accelerating digitalization on all fronts, the Bank of Russia’s CBDC (Mr. Kirby actually did two livestreams weighing the “pros and cons” of the digital ruble; credit where credit is due), Russia’s catastrophic demographic crisis, Moscow’s infatuation with SDGs and UN Agenda 2030, and many other pressing and worrying developments that go entirely ignored by “pro-Russia” Western pundits.
I just checked, and neither Mr. Flores nor Mr. Kirby have a single Telegram post mentioning Herman Gref. How can you “cover” current events in Russia without making even a passing reference to that lunatic?
My client is puzzled as to why these two gentlemen are so upset with him, considering they operate in a totally separate universe, one that has no relation to my client’s daily activities.
Imagine if two people were running large Telegram accounts that exclusively covered ponies, and how great they were. That’s perfectly fine, of course. Everyone likes ponies. But then there’s this other Telegram channel—a much smaller one—that writes about things that actually matter. And for some reason, these pony fanatics get upset? This smaller Telegram channel doesn’t write about ponies—so why should the Very Important and Serious Pony Extremists care at all? Life is 24/7 ponies for them. They should be happy, and stop with their pony jihad.
These were very interesting observations that my client made. Better yet, the email he sent me cost him 225 lari for me to read. Maritime law is the best.
And now for the grand finale.
But you also learn about psyops and the human condition too.
Is that what we’ve learned here?
My client would like to revisit something he wrote on June 25:
I am genuinely shocked by how personally people (many of whom have zero connection to Russia) have taken these events. Based on scant or zero evidence, and wild conjecture, they have convinced themselves they are Frodo E-Baggins, heroically transporting the Tweet of Power to Mount Zuckberg, or some other urine-stained corner of the internet, where they balk at the pathetic simpletons who Don’t Understand.
Please don’t be this person—I beg you.
You are those persons, Mr. Flores and Mr. Kirby. And that’s a pity.
Mr. Slavsquat maintains there is a big difference between criticizing someone’s argument (for example, Mr. Kirby’s fanciful belief that Putin opposed QR codes—a theory that actually runs contrary to observable reality) and engaging in baseless character assassinations backed by nothing but a clear inability to formulate actual arguments and type coherent sentences.
Mr. Kirby has been working tirelessly to create an “American Village” near Moscow for Westerners (mostly Orthodox Christian converts if I understand correctly) who want to emigrate to Russia. My client fully supports this venture and wishes him well. It is too bad, however, that Mr. Kirby seems to be rather intolerant of anyone who dares to ask the most rudimentary questions about what is happening inside Russia right now.
Maybe when my client returns to Moscow they can talk and smooth things over? Mr. Slavsquat texted me this morning saying he would like that very much, because he doesn’t understand what’s going on here. (That SMS is gonna cost him.)
For wasting his time and nearly all of his money on acquiring my legal services, Mr. Slavsquat seeks compensation to the tune of five khachapuris and a giant bowl of scrumptious Georgian beans. Failure to cough up the goods will result in ruthless litigation.
Thank you for your time gentlemen, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Gamarjoba,
Giorgi Moneybags XIV
Maritime attorney-at-law, Moneybags & Associates
15 Hookah Hell Avenue, Tbilisi, Georgia
I would like to thank my attorney, Giorgi Moneybags XIV, for his superb legal representation during these trying times. Although I am now deeply in debt, I would recommend his services to anyone in Tbilisi with maritime-related issues.
This is priceless :) thanks for the laugh :)
My favourite part is "critical thinking, while strongly discouraged, is still technically legal."
Happy birthday!