Greetings from sunny Shanghai!
Zero COVID China offers many amazing sights that I could almost see from the window of my quarantine hotel
There’s been a lot of insensitive accusations leveled against Beijing’s prudent and cunning lockdown strategy since the start of Russia’s special military operation in Ukraine.
Anyone who truly understands geopolitics and the gold-pegged ruble knows that Zero COVID—which for uneducated simpletons may have the appearance of soul-raping state-sponsored domestic terrorism—is actually a wily plot by China to exacerbate the supply chain breakdown and bring Washington to its knees.
And now we are reaching the Endgame of this masterfully executed scheme. At the end of June, Beijing reduced mandatory quarantine for all arriving foreigners from two weeks to just seven days—a clear and unambiguous signal that China is opening its doors to tourism and business development.
Your temporary Tbilisi correspondent is still stranded in Tbilisi without any kind of concrete plan to escape Tbilisi, and so I decided to treat myself to a weekend getaway in Shanghai.
It was a smooth and effortless journey. As instructed by the Chinese consulate, I dusted off my health-validating vaccine certificate and took two health-confirming COVID tests within 48 hours of my departure.
I also applied for a WeChat Health Declaration Code, which needed to be Green before I could board my direct hypersonic flight from Georgia’s capital to Shanghai.
Forty-five minutes after takeoff my plane touched down in the glitzy Chinese metropolis. In Shanghai Pudong Airport, I was expertly screened for any traces of the Virus and was administered another necessary PCR test. Then I was shuttled to my government-selected quarantine facility, where I would spend the entirety of my relaxing two-day vacation.
Dozens of tourist traps around the world have dropped proof of vaccination and proof of Q-tip requirements but China offers something special—the life-changing experience of paying to be locked in a hotel room for at least one week:
Although allocated and monitored by the Chinese authorities, facilities… must be paid for and maintained by the travelers themselves. This includes meals, which are generally provided by the quarantine hotel (at extra cost) but in some cases may need to be ordered from outside. […]
Facilities can be quite basic in some places, with limited amenities and movements severely restricted (in most cases, there will be an alarm on your door to stop you from leaving—if it sounds, you must restart your quarantine from the beginning).
After receiving my morning Test, I spent my first day in Shanghai watching Shrek 6: Ogre Reloaded, which was being played on a loop on my quarantine TV. (Under the “loosened” entry rules, travelers are required to undergo Tests on days 1, 2, 3, 5, and 7 of quarantine; then a final test on the third and last day of home isolation. Yes, there are three days of home-quarantine after finishing government-quarantine—no one told you?)
By evening I was tired of Shrek and decided to browse the heavily censored Chinese internet.
“Oh, what’s this?” I said to myself as I read this:
Chinese state media quickly corrected the record, explaining that Xi’an—the world’s main hub for Terracotta commodity trading—was only partly locked down and some residents could still go to the grocery store provided they “scan a QR code before entering these places.”
And don’t worry: the city’s Samsung plant is still fully operational—a fatal blow to western economies.
I kept clicking (using a VPN because otherwise there’d be almost nothing to click):
On the same day that AstraZeneca’s goo was given the greenlight, Beijing’s Municipal Health Commission announced that starting next week, residents of the Chinese capital will need to be vaccinated to gain entry to various public venues and businesses.
The vax will also be mandatory for Beijing’s medical personnel as well as “people working in community service operations, home furnishing operators, express delivery providers and conference attendees.”
Also on the same day, state-run Shanghai Daily revealed that “automatic throat swab robots are being tested in Shanghai to help with COVID-19 nucleic acid testing and make the job of testers easier.”
These friendly robots are the latest addition to China’s comprehensive testing regime:
A network of tens of thousands of lab testing booths are being set up across the country’s largest and most economically vital cities, with the goal of having residents always just a 15 minute walk away from a swabbing point.
The infrastructure will allow cities like Beijing, Shanghai, tech hub Shenzhen and e-commerce heartland Hangzhou to require tests as often as every 48 hours, with negative results needed to get on the subway or even enter a store.
I must emphasize again that all of this is being done with the explicit purpose of bankrupting the United States Federal Reserve System.
After a memorable 48 hours I called for a hazmat-bedazzled security guard and explained with deep regret that Shanghai had been a real hoot but it was time for me to return to my Hill in Tbilisi.
Before they released me a robot kicked down the door, pinned me to my bed, and repeatedly swabbed my throat.
I had a lovely weekend in Shanghai and I hope you did, too.
The End.
UPDATE (JULY 8): Beijing scraps vax decree? Proof of Q-tip still accepted to partake in normal human activities, according to official interviewed by state media.
Fanciful and fun (sort of!).
Please tell me that you did not take this DEATHVAX.....