All I want for Xmas is an abandoned school in Novgorod

Will Edward Slavsquat become the first Substack blog with ITS OWN SCHOOL?

Edward Junior touring a long-neglected classroom in Novgorod Oblast. That’s a lollipop (not a cigarette) in his mouth, by the way.

Your humble Moscow correspondent is standing at a crossroads. A fateful decision awaits him: Should he liquidate all of his assets (baseball cards) and purchase an abandoned 2-story schoolhouse in a village in Novgorod Oblast? Or should he not do this and be a pathetic loser? Life is full of choices.

(I sometimes play appalling practical jokes on my cherished readers but I am being deadly serious right now: I might sink every kopeck I have into acquiring and refurbishing a spacious Russian village school that was boarded up a decade ago.)

Let’s take a virtual tour of this enchanting piece of real estate. Then we’ll talk business. Because I have an offer that you will probably refuse.

The front of the building

The school is located just a short walk from a body of water where you can fish or swim or paddle around in a canoe. The schoolyard features the usual swings and slides, as well as exercise equipment and a basketball court.

Part of the yard

Edward Junior and Nika inspect the side of the building

And now for some photos of the interior.

The very official first floor

The first floor hallway/common area

The kitchen/cafeteria

A sink

Edward Junior tries out the indoor gym

The school comes with a free piano …

… and also chemistry exams.

One of the classrooms

Another room

Another room

The entrance to the history & foreign languages department. The school has around 10 rooms in total, if I recall correctly

A photograph of what once was

There’s also a basement and a staircase and a large common area on the second floor and some more rooms. And an attic, too, I think. Isn’t it marvelous?

I can already sense that some of you—the responsible types with 401(k)s and “portfolios” and shady bank accounts in Cyprus—are judging me through your screens. I know what you want to ask me. So just ask already.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH A SCHOOL IN NOVGOROD OBLAST?

What a question. As if I would make a life-changing decision without thinking at all about the long-term consequences of my disastrous choices. I didn’t become a blogger by accident, you know.

Let me explain the plan, Mister/Miss Responsible Person.

The real question you should be asking yourself is: What aren’t we going to do with a school in Novgorod Oblast? Have you ever read this blog? Do you understand the limitless chaotic fun that awaits us all?

There’s enough room in this school to house multiple projects and ventures simultaneously. Just imagine: A milk bar; a traditional inn with a samovar-bedecked tea room and all-you-can-sweat banya; a summer camp; a digital detox retreat; a learn-how-to-milk college and bovine research center; a cult. (Just kidding about that last one, ha-ha. But seriously: a cult.) We could even found the Novgorod Academy of Blogging & Other Fine Arts. And I am using the plural We, not the Royal We, because you are cordially invited to hang out at this abandoned school with me. Maybe.

Truth is, my Russian associates and I don’t exactly have a “concrete plan” yet. So I am turning to you, dear reader, for your suggestions.

Personally, I think it would be nifty to use at least part of this space as a Visit Russia & See What This Country Is All About Center.

I won’t get into the details right now—I’m still working on the PowerPoint presentation—but in theory we could create an LLC in Russia. And this LLC could theoretically issue visas to non-Russians. And then you—yes, you!—could experience Russia (real Russia, not Expensive Cattle-Tagged Big City Russia) with relative ease.

Edward mingling with the locals

There seems to be considerable interest in the Russian Federation, and What It’s Really Like, so wouldn’t it be grand if there were an easy and convenient (!) way to scope out this big, beautiful, strange, and completely misunderstood country for yourself, while bypassing the cookie-cutter tourist trap “experience”? (The school is almost equidistant from Moscow/St. Petersburg, and you can reach either city in about 4-5 hours using a train + bus/taxi combo.)

A peaceful morning in the village. Moments before Edward’s daily manure-shoveling started

In an ideal world, Edward LLC could even invite individuals with sought-after skillsets (in carpentry, gardening, agriculture, electrical engineering, animal husbandry, secret tunnel-digging, etc.) to give seminars to the village/school inhabitants. I’m just spit-ballin’ here but I think you get the general idea.

We are still in negotiations with the local administration about the price tag for the school. Or maybe we’ll lease it first. There is still much to decide.

But I decided to type this blog post up as a teaser. I’m testing the waters. I’m putting my feelers out. I’m trying to feel you.

Maybe you think this idea is insane but still have some good ideas that might make it less insane? Or maybe you love it and are interested in contributing towards The School’s acquisition and development? There are investment opportunities here. And lots of milk. And of course you’d always have a home or at the very least a room waiting for you in a village near a lake in Novgorod Oblast.

Wouldn’t you like that? I bet you would.

It’s time to build back better!

If you’re using the Gregorian calendar, a very Merry Christmas to you.

More soon.

— Riley