Russia creates cool new way to get myocarditis

Your humble Moscow correspondent reviews import-substitution sodas

We did it for you. You’re welcome.

In our last blog post we discussed how Russia was coping with the mass exodus of western businesses. As an example, we referenced the creation of Cool Cola, Street, and Fancy: the import-substitution sodas intended to replace Coca-Cola, Sprite and Fanta.

The Russian company responsible for these concoctions, Ochakovo, recently issued a rather vainglorious statement bragging about their amazing imitation sodas:

The taste of Cool Cola is identical [to Coca-Cola], the taste of Fancy is extremely close to the usual analogues, and the taste of Street is rather closer to what multinational companies had 10-15 years ago, when they had not yet begun to add sweeteners to the recipe of this drink. For more than two months, our technologists have been tasting raw materials, selecting the ratio of ingredients: juices, extracts, in order to achieve the ideal taste of drinks, in our opinion.

Audacious and seductive soda-boasting. We had to try them.

Cool Cola

Cheers.

Cool Cola is arguably the most robust cola to come out of Penza Oblast. Aged in recyclable plastic bottles, this bold but approachable 2022 vintage will fill you with regret within 30 minutes of your first, ill-considered sip. Chill for two hours before serving.

Tasting note: a deep and profound black color with a halo of muddy brown around the edges—reminiscent of unhealthy stool. Very fresh and young looking. Fine, migraine-inducing bouquet, some sweetness in attack, drier on the second nose. Carbonation on the palate, a hint of existential dread about the aimless trajectory of your life, good balance, overpowering sugary finish that inspires heart palpitations and dilated pupils.

An enticing chalice of Cool Cola

Highly recommended. An excellent gift for someone you hate.

Street

This complex Sprite knockoff offers a bouquet of citrus, tap water, and looming diabetes. Opulent on the palate with brave levels of acidity. Mountains of sugar add to the long finish. Pleasingly limpid.

Before enjoying your glass of Street, it is customary to turn to the person sitting next to you and shout: “I RESPECT YOU, DO YOU RESPECT ME?” Your drinking companion should reply with a very slurred: “I RESPECT YOU.” Only then should you imbibe.

It is important to immediately stop drinking Street upon the inevitable onset of blurred vision and severe tremors.

Fancy

Our mother-in-law drank nearly all of our Fancy without even asking if it would be okay to do that.

Thanks, Natasha.

We asked her to provide an assessment.

“Normal.”

Then she told us to go to the rynok and buy some fish for dinner.

Sheesh.