By Riley Waggaman, a former “senior editor” (newsroom errand boy) at RT
The nations are at each other’s throats. Everyone is sweaty with anticipation. War!
Trustworthy media outlets funded by Big Pharma, investment banks and multifarious intelligence agencies appear to be (intentionally) trapped in a positive feedback loop in which troop movements, strongly worded diplomatic communiques and salacious scoops from anonymous sources reinforce the narrative that armed conflict between Russia and [drop-down list of 50 nations] is inevitable. Interesting. Why would they want you to think that? Especially if you’re so sure Russia would “win”?
With each passing day more and more plebes are becoming resigned to the purported inevitability of this war; we suspect some would even be disappointed if war doesn’t break out.
You’re a plebe. Do you know what that means? It means you’re a meat shield. Meat shields don’t do that well when the bombs start dropping.
Guys, it’s a scam. You’re getting scammed. Yes, again.
Omicron scam: not scammy enough?
We don’t want to read too deeply into this but it really does seem the Omicron scam was a massive flop.
Here in Russia the Omicron scam was a total and complete disaster—possibly even more cringe than the poorly-conceived attempt to scare everyone with the non-existent “Moscow strain.”
Probably there are similar stories from your own place of residence. Funny, isn’t it? How the scam is so ubiquitous and scammy no matter where you are? What could this mean?
Curious, too, how governments around the world are putting the brakes on various “public health” measures all at the same time. We’re not insinuating something sneaky is afoot, of course.
Is it time for a victory lap? Have we “won”? Some people on Twitter seem to think so. People certainly have the right to be happy that the syringe-tipped boot has temporarily stopped stomping on their face. But you know—the boot is still there, hovering over your bruised, bloodied, gene-injected face. Hovering and waiting.
Haven’t you people ever seen a Wagner opera? It’s as if the twenty-minute overture finishes and you guys are like, “well that was interesting. Time for a taco.”
Sit down rookie, there’s seven more hours of this shit.
When everything is engulfed in flames—that’s when you know it’s over. Just like in a Wagner opera, come to think of it. He was a true visionary.
Conditions for a necessary war
There are many interesting theories on the internet about how a war would benefit the United States government, or how it would benefit the Russian government, or Chinese government, or the space lizards who select all these governments. But how does war benefit you? Yes, you! How?
This is a deeply personal question. It depends on personal circumstances. For example: if we were balls-deep in Raytheon stocks, we’d be hollering for the fireworks to start. That’s just common sense.
Sadly, our portfolio consists exclusively of overvalued shitcoins and Ken Griffey Jr. baseball cards. So for us, the necessity and inevitability of war is easy to determine. Some Russian guy perfectly articulated this condition on a radio show:
Russian political scientist Stanislav Belkovsky proposed on the radio station Ekho Moskvy to create an elite special unit from representatives of Russia's “golden youth”—from the children of ministers to the sons of billionaire businessmen from the Forbes list. According to him, such a special unit, consisting of about 500 people, could go to war with Ukraine.
According to Belkovsky, the implementation of this project could change the attitude of the masses towards a hypothetical war in Ukraine. At the same time, he believes that the attitude of the people to this topic is “very skeptical.”
Again: we’re not passing judgement. The necessity and inevitability of war will be different for everyone. But for us, any war without an elite unit of oligarchic trust fund babies leading the first wave—for both “sides”!—just doesn’t have a sense of urgency. Without the heroes of Stakeholder Capitalism leading the charge, the whole thing feels a bit phony and contrived, honestly.
You should decide what your conditions for necessary war are. If these conditions are not met you should think carefully about what a war would mean, regardless of the outcome.
No checkmates, just misery
Truth is: a war would totally suck for almost everyone. If we read another “this is the end of the Empire!” blog post we might do something really drastic, like write angry tweets about how disappointed we are with everyone.
For anyone wondering, here’s what WAR will actually mean:
Basements across Eastern Europe will be overflowing with screaming, sobbing children. A grandma’s guts will spill out onto the sidewalk somewhere. Someone’s getting raped at gunpoint.
Nothing will change for the better. Everything will be worse than it is right now.
Do you people even know what war does? It does the opposite of what your favorite WordPress blog says it does. The irreplaceable B. Traven wrote about this phenomenon in his excellent novel, The Death Ship (1924):
Wars for liberty and independence are to be suspected most of all, ever since the Prussians fought their war for liberty against Napoleon. All peoples lost their freedom when that war was won, because all liberty went to that war and has been there ever since.
Sure, it could be different this time. It probably won’t be though. War will probably mean more cattle-tagging, more control and more misery. We’re not saying this is guaranteed. But don’t be surprised when this happens!
A few days ago a friend asked us what would happen to this blog should WAR arrive. After all, the whole world would have WAR fever. All mental efforts, no matter how modest, would be focused solely and exclusively on the WAR. There would be no time for niggling about clot shots, cattle tags, or “public health” decrees issued by retards—our bread and butter here at Edward Slavsquat.
This is a very tricky question. On the one hand, we have no useful life skills—all we know how to do is blog. We’re completely pathetic.
On the other hand, we might flee to the mountains and starve to death like this penguin did:
It’s nothing personal. We even like some of you. But let’s be real: The Humans are crazy. Whatever you decide to do, good luck and Godspeed!