How to not die while carrying 35 liters of water

& other trailblazing research from the Edward Institute for Village Studies

It looks so serene and peaceful. Yes, but this is also where the pain begins.

As most of you already know, in February Edward Slavsquat established The Edward Institute for Village Studies (EIVS), becoming the first Substack blog with its own highly prestigious and unaccredited research university. In less than two months, EIVS has already made paradigm-shifting discoveries that will likely alter the course of human history.

Below is a small sample of the cornucopia of knowledge that we’ve harvested in mere weeks:

IS IT POSSIBLE TO CARRY 35 LITERS OF WATER FOR 1 MILE WITHOUT HAVING A STROKE? A SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT COMMISSIONED BY THE EDWARD INSTITUTE FOR VILLAGE STUDIES (EIVS)

Abstract: Most village theory scholars agree that it would be imprudent to try to haul more than three five-liter plastic jugs when collecting water from the well in the neighboring village located 1.6 km away. Four jugs is really the absolute maximum unless you have a malfunctioning noodle. But what would happen if someone tried to carry seven jugs, which is 35 liters of water weighing a total of 77.16 lbs, or approximately 35 kg? Edward Slavsquat (hereinafter referred to as “Subject”), who weighs a pathetic 125 lbs, or 56.6 kg, volunteered to investigate. Nika, a semi-feral village dog who also serves as Chairman of the EIVS Board of Trustees, accompanied him in a supervisory capacity.

Methodology: Subject was provided with seven empty five-liter plastic jugs, a hiking backpack, and two large grocery bags. Subject was instructed to walk 1 mile to the neighboring village, fill up the jugs, and then enjoy a leisurely stroll back home.

Hypothesis: The authors of this academic research paper hypothesized that Subject would collapse, evacuate all liquids from his body, and then croak somewhere around the 0.70-1.0 km mark. Several thousand rubles were collected as part of a betting pool, as is customary with all science projects commissioned by the Institute.

The Science: The experiment began at around 7 am as the sun was creeping out from its usual hiding place deep in the forest. (source: EIVS Department of Astronomy)

Nika expertly guided Subject towards the well, making sure to stop and smell all the interesting puddles and patches of dirt along the way.

Chairman of the Edward Institute for Village Studies Board of Trustees, Nika, escorting Subject to his certain doom.

Subject admired the birch trees, completely oblivious to the suffering that awaited him.

What mysteries lurk behind these trees? Probably more trees

Time passed; Subject and his four-legged escort spotted the well in the distance.

Subject began loading water into his five-liter jugs as Nika supervised from a safe distance.

Three jugs were placed in the backpack; the remaining four were stored in the grocery bags. Subject placed backpack on his back, and picked up the grocery bags, triggering an instant tsunami of regret and dread.

Nika recommended canceling the experiment; Subject responded by saying “that’s what a coward would do”.

EIVS Board of Trustees Chairman Nika suggested to Subject that the experiment be called off; Subject stubbornly refused.

Subject removed his coat after 150 meters; Subject reported being very sweaty.

After 200 more meters, Subject began to experience intense pressure on the top of his head; Subject reported presumably unhealthy sensations in his neck, shoulders, feet, arms, face, toes, eyeballs, and other body parts. Subject began to reflect on his well-documented penchant for poor life choices.

To avoid the onset of sudden death syndrome, Subject decided to take short breaks every 100 meters. Nika mocked Subject by periodically galloping 50 meters ahead, turning around, and then trotting back to him.

Nika suggested leaving some of the jugs on the side of the road and then retrieving them later; Subject responded by saying “that’s what Bill Gates would want”. Nika sighed.

Approximately 1 hour later, Subject and Nika returned home—traumatized—and made barbecue to celebrate.

Nika and Subject relaxing after another successful Institute experiment

Conclusion: It is theoretically possible to haul 35 liters of water for 1 mile without experiencing organ failure. Subject has been encouraged to try 40 liters.

The easiest way to make the most delicious cheese

As we’ve already demonstrated, EIVS has developed cutting-edge cheese technology.

Summoning cheese is typically a multi-step process. But did you know that there is a simple way to create mind-blowing fermented milk-product? A method so simple and effortless that anyone can do it—even your correspondent.

Here’s how you make it:

1. Extract milk from a cow or other lactating mammal.

2. Put milk in a jar and store it under your table for 6 or 7 days.

3. Place glass jar of 6-day-old milk in a pot of boiling water. Leave jar in pot until all the water has evaporated.

4. Strain the resulting liquid (whey).

5. The stuff that isn’t whey is called tvorog. It’s good. I promise you will like it.

It’s that simple, folks. Unlimited dairy paradise. An absolute game changer.

EIVS PuppyTech still going strong

Finally, I am happy to report that the puppies are up and about, urinating everywhere and committing other acts of heinous puppy terrorism.

I will soon be hosting a “Name a Puppy” contest for Cherished Paid Subscribers. For as little as $35/year, you can help usher in a golden age of village cheese and puppies.

STAY TUNED FOR EIVS’ NEXT RESEARCH PROJECT: BANYA…