Introducing: The Edward Institute for Village Studies
The biggest game changer in modern Russian history
On Christmas Eve I wrote a blog post to Santa politely asking for an abandoned school in a village in Novgorod Oblast. Santa responded by blocking me on Twitter. What’s wrong with that guy? Is he OK?
I was very grateful for the words of support, and also for the words of abject terror, when I pitched the School to my cherished readers.
I wanted that school very badly. But after minutes of serious self-reflection, taking into account that my bank account was suffering from myocarditis, and also factoring in that I had no idea what I was doing, I made the difficult decision of scaling down my vision for a Waco-like compound in rural Russia where we could all hang out together.
Instead I purchased another dacha in my beloved Novgorod village. I bought this dacha for you. You are going to come to my village and together we are going to learn how to live a good-humored life of quiet dignity.
WELCOME TO THE EDWARD INSTITUTE FOR VILLAGE STUDIES:
I will briefly describe the Institute’s state-of-the-art facilities and then we will take a quick virtual tour.
The Institute boasts a mud room, a foyer, two wood stoves, a kitchen, two bedrooms, a greenhouse, a nice little patch of dirt for planting vegetables, a shed, a banya (sauna), and an outhouse. There’s no indoor plumbing. But it does have electricity—which is very fancy. The property is connected to a non-drinkable water source. For drinkable water, the Institute shares a well with some friendly neighbors. It’s BYOB (Bring Your Own Bucket).
Let’s have a look:
All I have to do is remove the demon-possessed wallpaper, buy a few oversized hookah lounge pillows, and voila: the Institute will be ready for summer enrollment.
The photos of the banya did not come out great but just trust me on this one: The Institute has the necessary infrastructure to teach Banya Studies 101: How To Beat Yourself With Birch Branches.
In the coming days I will be publishing the Institute’s mission statement, which is currently being drafted by our Board of Trustees (me and Nika).
In the nearest future I will also be publishing instructions on how you—yes, you!—can visit the Institute and share your skills (hopefully not “blogging”) with the village. In return, you can use our banya. We will even feed you. Do you like milk?
Yes friends, we’re approaching the End Game.
If you would like to support the Institute’s endowment, consider an annual subscription to the ol’ blog. Just $35/year. That’s practically nothing. But in the village it’s more than half a goat. Just stop and think about that.
Also, I’m trying to sell my baseball cards so that the Institute can acquire more goats. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE BUY MY BASEBALL CARDS FOR A LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY? WHY DID 8-YEAR-OLD RILEY THINK THESE WERE A GOOD INVESTMENT? WHY ARE THESE PIECES OF CARDBOARD COMPLETELY WORTHLESS? SCAMMED AGAIN.
More soon!
— Riley
There isn't enough vodka or hookah smoke in all of Asia to make me want to endure that kind of frigid cold. I'm old, my bones ache from merely looking at those pictures. BRRRRR Sorry. Best of luck to you younger folks, I'll just site here in the US and watch as our own evil Empire crumbles around me. I'll survive on outdated MRE's and well water I schlep in from another town.
I've been patiently waiting for a post like this! I would love to visit Russia and then jet down to Morocco to visit Kevin! Oh such dreams I have. Blessings to you dear truth warrior!