By Riley Waggaman, a former “senior editor” (newsroom errand boy) at RT
Woke up this morning in a cold sweat. It suddenly dawned on me that time was running out. I urgently needed to calculate how long I had left to live.
There are 50 million monkeys in India and one confirmed case of ape-AIDS in Austria. If monkeys travel at 70 miles per hour, when will they arrive in Moscow?
I was stumped. Was never good at word problems. Subpar SAT scores. Went to a bad overpriced college. It is what it is.
Eventually I crawled out of bed and pulled back the bedroom curtains, revealing my modest Moscow suburb. The sun was shining. The birds were singing. A serene, monkey-free Eden as far as the eye could see. Couldn’t see that far to be honest because of the fence in my backyard but still.
Late May/early June is my favorite time of year in Russia. Seemingly overnight, everything is swallowed by vegetation. In Moscow they mobilize a battalion tactical group of Central Asians to keep the grass manicured but outside the city plants and flowers and strange vines proliferate without any meaningful resistance.
I love it. The overgrown landscape emanates an irrepressible permanence; it’s a daily reminder that I am a mere passerby on earth. Nature has its own plans and is very patient. Over a long enough timeline, everything gets gobbled up by weeds.
The pleasant weather, the chirpy fauna, the erupting greenery, the absence of infected apes, the reminder that everything will eventually be buried under a giant mountain of dandelions—all of this greatly raised my mood and animated me to type up some thoughts that had been baking in my noodle.
Monkey business
The 75th World Murder Assembly has kicked off in Geneva as monkeypox ravages Twitter.
Fear not. Russia’s omnipotent health bureaucracy is already taking necessary measures to keep everyone safe.
The government-operated Vector Institute has created a test for monkeypox in an effort to “assist the World Health Organization in developing advanced methods for rapid diagnostics”; Russian doctors are being vaccinated against the disease (using an anti-smallpox drug); border checkpoints are being “strengthened” and travelers are now subjected to “double temperature control on board their respective transport and in terminals.”
Imagine how catastrophic the intelligence reports and monkeypox forecasts must have been for Russia to do that.
I already know what some of you are thinking: Russia is just playing along; Russia is just being pragmatic, it just wants a seat at the table; this is part of a larger shadow-play that you couldn’t possibly understand.
Yeah, I’m very familiar with the Russian government’s 5D chess. You can read about some of the more memorable checkmates here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Also here. And here. Here as well. Finally, here. P.S.— here.
The result:
Is this what winning looks like? If so, Russia is in deep, deep doo-doo.
Just like in basically every other country on earth, Russia’s concept of “public health” is so completely depraved and unhelpful that it is actually awe-inspiring. It’s been truly humbling to witness the power of government-decreed self-destruction—and on a global scale.
There are some reassuring signs, though. Baby steps in the right direction. But there’s a long, long way to go before Russia unshackles herself from Permanent Biosecurity. That’s just a fact.
As I wrote more than a month ago, I sincerely hope Moscow withdraws from the WHO and rethinks its approach to medicine. For example, instead of suspending routine medical care because “the Virus”, maybe don’t do that ever again? Worth considering.
How did things get this bad in the first place? Maybe Putin was deceived or misled by his ministers? Maybe his advisors didn’t explain the pros and cons of depriving people of cancer screenings? Maybe he didn’t have that information. Maybe he needed another perspective.
That’s why this small internet blog exists. It offers a perspective for your consideration. That’s all. Nothing more. If my perspective upsets you, don’t worry: I have zero influence in the Halls of Power. I’m not even on Facebook.
But if Moscow does eventually renounce Virus Tyranny/Vaxism, this blog will be completely vindicated for its meticulous documentation of the crimes committed by Russia’s shameless virus-scammers.
I will be invited to the Kremlin and Putin will personally award me the Order of Alexander Nevsky in recognition of my tireless efforts to expose the Enemies of the People.
And what will become of the smarmy slobs who shilled Sputnik V? Straight to the gulag.
I’m joking of course. Just a joke.
But this brings us to a very important point. The most important point of this blog post.
A lot of self-described “Russia watchers” take themselves way too seriously and are apparently too fragile to consider the possibility that the Russian government isn’t constantly winning all the time.
This is a very Un-Russian way of viewing Russia.
At least have the decency to respect the norms and customs of the country, which in no particular order include: relentless mockery of authority, total and complete skepticism of basically every official narrative, and a long tradition of dignified resistance against institutionalized stupidity.
Sorry to break the bad news, but Russians don’t have the luxury of pretending their government is always seconds away from cracking the Da Vinci Code.
It’s 2022. I don’t think anyone has the luxury of being credulous. At least I don’t.
And you know what? That’s okay. I accept 2022.
The often-cited Englishman George Orwell penned some very wise words about acceptance while reviewing Henry Miller’s semi-pornographic novel about being poor in Paris:
Tropic of Cancer ends with an especially Whitmanesque passage, in which, after the lecheries, the swindles, the fights, the drinking bouts, and the imbecilities, he simply sits down and watches the Seine flowing past, in a sort of mystical acceptance of thing-as-it-is. Only, what is he accepting? … Not an epoch of expansion and liberty, but an epoch of fear, tyranny, and regimentation.
Orwell wrote those lines in 1940. But they could have been written yesterday. Nice.
The Internet has been very un-fun lately. Everyone is very constipated. Some of you need to eat more prunes. Lighten the load, so to speak.
Life is short. Monkeys everywhere. Must accept things as they are. Only then, salvation.
As Henry Miller mused:
Walking along the Champs-Elysées I keep thinking of my really superb health. When I say ‘health’ I mean optimism, to be truthful. Incurably optimistic! Still have one foot in the nineteenth century. I’m a bit retarded, like most Americans.
There is nothing else to add. Fini.
—Riley
I haven’t even read anything in your article past the weeds. I just wanted to comment that it’s the same with me and my backyard. I have stuff growing out of every corner, raspberries, garlic, vines, weeds, mustards….none of it is managed and I don’t care. It reminds me, like you, that nature is da boss. I can mow, weed, hack and chop all I want, that shit is coming back. I don’t care. My neighbours are probably tearing their hair out but they’re all voting Liberal so FUCK EM
Oh shit. I am remembering now that I when I was a teen, I was friends with a couple who kept a lot of wild animals at home, including a monkey. They lived, well, naturally, in Moscow. The monkey seemingly considered the husband of that couple her own, and was very aggressive toward women. I don't know why I thought about it but I am posting as a warning. Moscow is a hotbed of aggressive monkeys!!